Can a Narcissist Sit Quietly and Read a Book

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If you'd asked me a few years ago whether the person I was involved with was a narcissist, I would accept answered, "Absolutely not." He had none of the hallmarks that make information technology relatively like shooting fish in a barrel for a layperson to spot a narcissist—the grandiosity, the need to be the center of attention, the haughty or overbearing remarks, and competitiveness. He didn't brandish the preening, the need to dispense, or, of course, the lack of empathy. He didn't appear to fit whatever of those definitions; in fact, if annihilation, he was repose and not that into socializing, intent on not drawing attention to himself. He was insouciant about his appearance except in professional situations and relatively laidback. He was a thoughtful giver of gifts, willing to accommodate to my needs and—for me, at least—possibly a bit too happy being past himself and away from the company of others. Does that sound like a narcissist to you? Information technology didn't to me.

He had other flaws I didn't know about and discovered, none of which flashed a neon billboard that said "narcissist."

What I didn't understand at the time and do now is that the narcissist shows his true colors in disharmonize. That bespeak is brought out with clarity by two new books on the subject area, Rethinking Narcissism by Dr. Craig Malkin and The Narcissist You Know by Dr. Joseph Burgo (both are also bloggers on this site), and borne out by my ain personal experience. Both of these authors accept the position that the narcissist is, in fact, emotionally wounded. The behaviors he or she evinces are efforts to disguise or assuage the pain of that wounded self.

Information technology's in conflict—when even the healthiest among united states of america becomes defensive and self-protective—that the narcissist reveals him or herself in fullness. They fully expose their lack of empathy—the cornerstone of the narcissist—because when the narcissist feels threatened, winning or succeeding to protect him or herself is all that matters, not consequences. A narcissist's focus and conclusion to win at whatever cost underscore the shallow nature of their emotional connections—to yous and to all others.

What kind of disharmonize shows the narcissist's true stripes? The reply is all and whatsoever, ranging from the petty tiff to divorce courtroom. If it's the latter, abandon all hope of a reasonable negotiation or mediation; the truthful narcissist does neither. To borrow a term from the military, the narcissist'due south policy is scorched earth, destroying everything and leaving cypher behind as he or she advances or withdraws—not a shred of connectedness or retentivity, respect for by connections, relationships, or the welfare of others involved in the conflict. The narcissist'south willingness to lie is nothing brusque of boggling and he or she will exist completely unconcerned whether someone finds those lies out or not. Information technology's a lack of empathy on steroids or, to put it meliorate, aggrandized and entitled. The motto of the narcissist? "What you retrieve of me is none of my business," and he or she really means information technology.

If lack of empathy is one of the narcissist'southward key characteristics, I retrieve we ofttimes misunderstand information technology. Some of the difficulty may have to practise with distinguishing fully between sympathy and empathy. When nosotros are sympathetic, nosotros connect largely through intellectual understanding and feel bad near the state of affairs in which a person finds him or herself. Empathy is an emotional response in which we literally feel another's hurting equally opposed to understanding his or her hurting in the abstract. The truth is that near of united states of america are not consistently empathic, nor are we every bit skilled at this most of import trait.

Then what, precisely, makes the narcissist different?

The answer is his or her utter separateness. Information technology's not simply that he or she doesn't feel for others and their hurting; information technology's that the level of connection, of attunement, is utterly foreign. Since you can be sympathetic on a very superficial level (writing a bank check and contributing to charity; existence helpful past dropping off your neighbor's dry cleaning; recommending your chaser to the guy who needs 1), many narcissists announced quite sympathetic because they like looking practiced in the eyes of others. More importantly, they like reassuring themselves that they're nice guys or gals. Empathy is some other matter entirely.

Here are four behaviors that might tip you off to the real personality you're dealing with:

1. Plays emotional "hot murphy"

Kudos to Craig Malkin for giving this a name and for singling information technology out every bit one of the narcissist's behaviors. Malkin identifies "hot tater" equally a form of projection, as in the post-obit scenario: You endeavour talking to your partner about his dismissiveness and lack of connection and he responds past saying that he'southward not dismissive but he'due south just not willing to respond to your anger and constant complaints. The reality is that what y'all are saying is irritating the daylights of him—his jaw muscles are working and he's on his manner to being actually frosted—but rather than own those feelings, he assigns them to y'all. (This explanation aligns with Malkin's view that keeping the inner wound hidden is one of the narcissist'south master motivations.) It's entirely possible, of class, that if this continues, you volition feel angry even if you didn't start out feeling that style. Playing hot potato permits the narcissist to gain the upper hand.

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Since the narcissist isn't actually interested in what yous feel or think—or making things better between you lot, for that matter—the game of hot spud will piece of work to your disadvantage, particularly if yous care about him or her. You will probably feel guilty—"He wasn't wrong, I was angry"—until the moment in time when you accept an epiphany and finally get it.

I'd like to add together a personal ascertainment about the game of emotional hot potato: They tin can play consciously to manipulate you but it tin also exist unconscious behavior on the narcissist'south part. In any example, what emerges from hot potato is the narcissist's vision of what really happened and it will all boil downwardly to ane basic theme: It's ever your fault and never his or hers. The inability and unwillingness to take responsibility for actions and words under whatever circumstances are also narcissistic hallmarks.

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two. Withdraws and then attacks if a demand is fabricated

Some accept described need/withdraw as the most toxic of relationship patterns for proficient reason: It's part of a downwardly screw that often ends in the failure of the relationship. You lot don't need a narcissist in the dyad, by the way, to accept the pattern have over.

Essentially, what happens is that one person (commonly the woman, but not always) makes a demand for some issue to exist fixed or addressed and the other partner withdraws physically and emotionally—stonewalling, folding his arms, etc. The pattern is specially toxic because escalation is built into information technology—needs unanswered, the person demanding volition become increasingly frustrated and ordinarily louder. Of grade, this simply means the person withdrawing volition increase his efforts. Both parties experience aggrieved and put upon.

The narcissist's habit of playing hot potato means that, put in the withdraw position, he or she will either withdraw or become incredibly aggressive—substantially blaming his or her partner for making the demand in the first place, casting it as a sign of his or her flawed nature, etc. That's hot spud combined with a classic toxic pattern. It not just throws the partner off but, again, makes her more than open to existence manipulated into thinking that information technology's all her fault. (Once again, feel free to change upwards the genders in the description; female narcissists act the same mode.)

3. Vindictive to the max

Co-ordinate to Joseph Burgo, this is actually a narcissistic type. To exist honest, it was his description that clued me in to the fact that the person I'd married was a narcissist after all. Forget coming together in the middle, settling your differences, or, if you're unlucky enough to be in a situation where you need an attorney, mediating; the vindictive narcissist will practise none of the above. Lies are the arrows in the narcissist's quiver, and it oft doesn't matter how outrageous they are. Perhaps nearly tellingly, the narcissist seeks to portray him- or herself equally a victim of injustice—not as a seeker of revenge or someone motivated to win—regardless of the circumstances. Equally Burgo writes:

"Considering of his distorted, defensive relationship to reality, the Farthermost Narcissist oft believes the lies he tells, both to himself and other people. He doesn't encounter himself as a liar merely rather as an embittered defender of the 'truth' as he has come to see it."

Equally Burgo points out (and as I tin personally attest), the vindictive narcissist may proceed sounding reasonable, despite the fact that everything he or she says is a lie. This person will do what he or she can to impugn you, spread rumors near you, attack your reputation, or whatever else comes to hand. Information technology doesn't matter that none of it is true. That makes it hard fighting her or him—in an function, a customs, in a family, or particularly in a court of police force. The usual rules of decent behavior just do non be.

The vindictive narcissist's hustle often takes in otherwise capable and intelligent people, including attorneys and judges. Most of the states are hesitant to believe that every word an individual utters is an outright prevarication, especially if it is easily discovered. But that only works in the narcissist's favor: It's his words confronting yours, after all, and he doesn't mind grandstanding.

4. Indifferent to emotional outcomes

In my experience—every bit a person who has lived more than 6 decades but isn't a psychologist or a therapist—nearly people want to come out of combative situations losing as few of their personal connections and relationships every bit possible. They want to feel that they have behaved reasonably well and fairly under the circumstances. That'south one reason mediation works only that's not true of the vindictive narcissist, who could care less. If he (or she) ends up with scorched earth, that's no big deal. He volition run across destroyed relationships as a necessary cost of getting what he deserves.

Of course, discovering that the person you're dealing with may be a narcissist after all doesn't assistance other than to arm yous with knowledge as you think well-nigh and analyze his or her behavior. Knowing how the person responds in disharmonize will not merely help you prepare and strategize, but help prepare you lot for the sorry truth. There'due south probably no reasonable way to stop the merry-go-round because exhausting y'all (and your resources, for that affair) is part of the narcissist's scorched earth policy.

It'southward no wonder that recovering from conflict with a narcissist is so hard, frustrating, and sometimes embittering.

Copyright 2016 Peg Streep

cendejaswhitted78.blogspot.com

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201601/4-behaviors-unmask-hidden-narcissist

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